Caregiving for an Abusive Parent While Healing from Childhood Trauma

In my workshops and training sessions, I frequently draw from my personal experiences as a caregiver and my work as a social worker. I share insights from various situations I've encountered while assisting family caregivers and acting as a guardian for individuals. My goal is to help family caregivers understand their roles and the importance of creating a support network.

In addition to my experiences, I explore online communities where family caregivers seek guidance for effective caregiving. I recently came across a compelling story about a woman whose parents moved closer to her. While her father was receiving hospice care, her mother remained vibrant, and the woman noted that her mother "could easily live another 10-15 years." The woman, who refers to herself as the "Sad Mad Daughter," shares her concerns about her mother's history of physical and emotional abuse during her childhood. Now, she is questioning how she will care for her mother as she ages. If you find yourself in a similar situation, I have a few recommendations.

Talk Therapy

Before becoming a caregiver for a parent who has been abusive to you, it's crucial to address your childhood experiences. Therapy can be an essential part of your healing journey. Engaging in talk therapy does not mean you will automatically become your parent's primary caregiver; instead, it signifies that you are beginning the process of healing and learning to establish boundaries. Your sessions with a therapist may lead you to realize that you should not take on the role of primary caregiver for your parent.

When a parent becomes ill or needs assistance due to aging, you may feel pressure to help. This pressure can come from friends, family, or the belief that it is your responsibility as their child. However, caregiving can be very challenging and demanding. If possible, consider speaking with a therapist before assuming this role. If you are currently caring for a parent who was abusive, seeking the support of a therapist is critical. A therapist can help you process your thoughts and feelings and develop the language needed to express the trauma you experienced as a child, as well as the additional trauma that comes with caring for someone who abused you. Therapy is not just about preparing you to be a caregiver; it is about starting your healing journey and determining the best path forward regarding who should care for your loved one.

Family Support

If possible, discuss with your family members the option of assisting in the care of your parent. Is your parent close to a relative who could serve as the primary caregiver? For instance, could this relative provide direct care while you manage scheduling doctor visits and handling financial matters? If you have a relative who is willing to take on the primary caregiver role, discussing Advance Directives with them is crucial. For example, will this relative be the healthcare proxy? Who will hold the power of attorney or, if necessary, become the guardian?

External Resources

If a relative is unable to provide caregiving assistance, there are several options available. Depending on your location, contact your local Department of Social Services, Department of Health and Human Services, or Office on Aging to inquire about obtaining a social worker. A social worker can help you identify caregiving resources, such as finding a long-term care or assisted living facility for your parent. Additionally, a social worker could serve as the Power of Attorney or guardian.

In conclusion, navigating the complexities of caregiving for aging parents who previously caused harm requires prioritizing your mental and emotional well-being. Managing past traumas while providing care can be overwhelming, so seeking support through talk therapy, engaging relatives, or involving a social worker can be invaluable. Ultimately, understanding your own needs and establishing healthy boundaries is essential not only for your personal growth but also for fostering a healthier dynamic in the caregiver relationship. By prioritizing what works best for you, you can approach this challenging role with greater resilience and compassion, ensuring you do not lose sight of your own health in the process.